Ask a millennial parent what’s clogging up their social feeds these days, and chances are the mental load is somewhere in the mix. The term is having a moment, but the experience behind it is anything but new—especially for moms.

The mental load is essentially the invisible work of keeping a family running: not simply packing the lunch, but remembering that you’re almost out of sandwich bread. Not just driving to soccer practice, but registering for the season, ordering the uniform, adding practices to the calendar, and figuring out who’s handling pickup when there’s a conflict. It’s planning, anticipating, organizing, and remembering—all day, every day. The mental load often falls to the primary caregiver, and research suggests women typically shoulder more of it.

And there may be no time of year when that invisible list becomes more visible than back-to-school season.

Suddenly, the relatively loose rhythms of summer give way to packed calendars. There are school forms and supply lists, sports practices and activity registrations, homework and teacher emails. Someone needs new sneakers. Someone else has picture day Thursday. There’s a birthday party Saturday, and you still need to buy the gift.

Then, just when the family finally settles into a fall routine, here come the holidays.

Now add gifts, gatherings, travel plans, school celebrations, decorating, cooking, and family traditions to the list. Much of this falls under another form of invisible labor called kinkeeping—the work involved in maintaining family connections, from remembering birthdays to organizing gatherings and preserving traditions. Real Simple recently explored kinkeeping and why women still tend to do so much of it.

It raises an important question: How do we do it all—and at what expense?

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When You’re the Default Parent

For many families, one person becomes the household’s unofficial command center. They know the pediatrician’s phone number, which kid will actually eat which lunch, when the library books are due, and what size winter coat everyone needs.

In other words, they’re the default parent.

As Parents describes it, the default parent is typically the person who is first in line for child- and household-related needs—and therefore often carries the bigger load. Sometimes the dynamic is so ingrained that kids will bypass another perfectly capable adult to find their default parent for help.

The issue isn’t simply having a lot to do. It’s being the person responsible for knowing what needs to be done.

And when that work becomes relentless, stress and burnout can follow. The strain can be particularly acute for single parents, who may be juggling parenting responsibilities alongside financial pressures, work and household management without a partner’s support. Our content includes strategies for managing single-parent stress like setting boundaries, asking for help, and intentionally making time for yourself.

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Lightening the Load

There’s probably no magical system that makes the mental load disappear. But making invisible work visible can be a start.

Instead of one parent assigning tasks—which, ironically, is another task—families can identify responsibilities together and divide ownership of them. That might mean one person doesn’t just take a child to soccer; they own soccer, from registration to schedule changes. Experts also recommend considering each person’s work hours, strengths, and capacity when redistributing household responsibilities.

And perhaps we can simply do less.

Not every holiday tradition has to happen. Not every school event requires homemade cupcakes. Not every family moment needs to look like the ones filling our social feeds. As Real Simple notes, lowering expectations around creating picture-perfect family connections can make those moments easier for everyone to participate in—and enjoy.

Because maybe getting through this busy season isn’t about figuring out how to do it all.

Maybe it’s deciding that we don’t have to.

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